Am I overreacting? What should I do?
A friend of mine got engaged just after Christmas, and immediately started planning her wedding, and asking me for my opinion about everything, even after I told her that it reminded me that my boyfriend hadn’t proposed (and it kind of hurt).
Well, it turns out he was waiting to allow her time in the spotlight, and we are now engaged. When I told her, she congratulated me, and said that if I had my own wedding to plan, she should find a new maid of honor. She also posted pictures of her engagement ring 4 days after my fiance and I got engaged (2-3 days after we started telling non-family members).
She’s also told me that she isn’t getting her makeup done professionally, because she’ll probably just get me to do it for the wedding (please note that her wedding is on my birthday, 2 states away from my hometown, and my family really makes a big deal about celebrating birthdays as a family, all of which she knew before scheduling the birthday).
Now, I should point out that I’m a personal trainer and she’s been asking me to design a workout program for her, and saying that she wishes she didn’t have to work so she could plan her wedding all day (it’s not for a year and a half). Usually she says this when we talk online, her from work and me from home (as a personal trainer, my work has been slow due to the economy, and my hours have never been 9-5, more like 5:30-10 and 4-8), and I can’t help but take the remark personally (my fiance makes enough to support us both).
And when I ask her opinion on my wedding, she’ll answer “cute” or “pretty” or “nice”, then talk about herself. Once, I showed her a wedding dress I loved, and she added it to the list of dresses she’s going to try on (her wedding is before mine).
Also, a family friend of mine works as a wedding planner, and volunteered to help me come up with ideas, venues, etc, for my wedding, and my friend is giving me lists of questions to ask the wedding planner for her.
My fiance is worried that this will turn into a competition (her parents are paying for her wedding), and I’m determined not to let that happen, but beyond not talking to her, I’m not sure what to do.
And she’s usually the calmer, stabler one of the two of us, so I’m not sure our friends will be much help in resolving the issue (beyond telling me I’m being silly). Am I a b***h for not wanting to design a workout program for her, and do her hair and makeup for her wedding on my birthday, as well as wanting her to respect my wedding and engagement (when she told her fiance that I was engaged, he said my fiance and I were “copycats”) and not use it as a resource to find ideas and dresses?
We are all young.
While I let her know that it hurt to help her plan her wedding, I did offer her advice when asked.
I don’t mind doing things for her, but she isn’t asking, she’s assuming (she asked if I’d designed her program yet, and informed me that I’d most likely be doing her makeup and hair).
I am not her MOH. She never asked me to be, and when she found out I was engaged, told me that she was picking someone else, because I was getting married.
She is also in my wedding party, which is making her unwillingness to help while simultaneously giving me a bunch of stuff to do that much more aggravating.
I’m also newly engaged (and my fiance was considerate enough to give her a little over a month to enjoy her engagement), and while I understand about being happy for her, it’s hard to be happy for someone who said you couldn’t be their MOH because you got engaged, without being a bit upset.
I have offered suggestions for simple exercises she can do without equipment, and given her links to the diet/exercise sites I use for ideas, and to plan my own workout (instead of telling her exactly what, for how long, at what intensity, with what weight/resistance).
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Bride Wars much? This is why its hard to understand women. You both should be happy and it should be a great time. Instead youre creating drama. And women wonder why guys will do anything to just watch the game, or just agree with whatever so its over or not talked about.
“Copycats”? WTF? You’re not being a bitch. I can empathize because you want some of that limelight, too. It sounds like SHE’S the one turning this into a competition. The best thing to do is not to play the game. Email her a list of workouts she needs to do, ask your wedding planner friend her opinion, tell the bridezilla that the planner is too busy right now to answer her questions, and don’t tell her your ideas so SHE can’t be a copycat. The make-up thing, tell her you can’t do it because it’s your birthday. If she blows up, reconnect with her AFTER she’s married and done being full of herself.
hmm thats tough. i would (as hard as it will be) stop showing her your ideas for things you want. and as far as helping her with her workout plan and stuff.. just tell her you feel to overwhelmed to take on more wedding stuff. you have got enough to think about with just your wedding. but congrats on your engagement! try not to stress to much and even though its hard remember the wedding is not the biggest part of the whole thing.
Dump her, she is not your friend, way too petty and self centered.
Sounds like your friend is really excited about her wedding (it is a new engagement) and you are being a downer. She just wants to share the planning experience with her. Instead of being petty or jealous or mean spirited, be happy together. You’re engaged too! Yay! As far as being on your birthday, that’s not something you should expect her to plan around. If you can’t make it, tell her, but don’t expect her to change her date because of it. I’m sure it wasn’t done on purpose. And for the dress, odds are ya’ll will both be trying on a number of the ’same’ dresses, but I bet the odds are against ya’ll choosing the same dress. Again, be happy for her and yourself. Share advice!
I understand where you care coming from, but I do think you are over reacting a bit. Shes your friend and I’m sure she will do things for you and your wedding too. Try to enjoy the moment and share it together. I wish I had a friend that was getting married or planning a wedding right now so I would have someone to talk to about it.
It takes two to compete, so just don’t allow her to turn it into a competition. If it really upsets you that much then just cut her out of your life, but makes sure thats what you want becuase a good friend is hard to come by.
To me, it really sounds like you are taking things too personally. How old are all of you? You sound young … and if you aren’t, then you are acting it.
If you are such good friends, then you should all be happy for each other and willing to help each other. The fact that you didn’t want to help with her in the wedding in the beginning because you were sad your fiance hadn’t yet proposed is just plain immature and if you were my friend, I sure wouldn’t ask you to partake in my wedding planning or bridal party.
You all need to get over yourselves. You are all getting married and it should be a happy time.
You referred to your friend as “a friend of mine”. So I must take it for granted she is not your best friend. You have to ask yourself, “what do you want to do?”. I would tell her you cannot do her hair and makeup because you’ll only be able to attend the wedding and will be able to attend the reception only for a little while, because your family is having a birthday celebration for you and you got to get back home pronto. (I hope your flying). Also, keep your wedding plans to yourself, then she won’t have anything to make comments about. If she ask you anything just say “I don’t know as of yet what my exact plans are”. As far as a work out plan, make her a work out plan and send it to her in the mail. Tell her to also check out some work out coaches in her area. I also believe that she is trying to save money by getting you to do her hair and work out plan. Be very nice when you tell her no. If she get Bitchy, than you’ll also find out that she is not a real friend.
You are her MOH/BM. That’s what the wedding party is for.
Be a friend or piss off.
PS/ Not everything is about YOU
Wow, you guys don’t sound like very good friends. Whatever happened to being HAPPY for each other and more than willing to help each other out? Sounds like you need to get a grip… She is allowed to be excited and so are you. If you don’t want to talk about weddings with her, then don’t. You are taking everything personally, stop making everything about YOU and try being a good friend instead… Sheesh!
Good luck!
Her fiance is being a jack***. He should understand that the rest of the world is not going to wait a year and a half for them to get married before anyone else gets engaged, and that a month earlier engagement doesn’t make them superior or give them priority.
I’m guessing from the looks of it that she’s feeling the same tension you are here though. You need to sit down and civilly discuss both of your issues and that you do not want to have a competition. If you each try on the same dress, big deal, chances are you won’t both want it. Both of you can consider the same items, and nothing is off limits, her favorites or yours, until someone decides on it. But also you don’t want it to be a race to who decides first. If you both supply each other with input and feedback you should be able to decide on two unique styles. Maybe sit down and discuss specifically how you would like to make your weddings different (seasons/colors/themes/styles). Both of you remember it’s the marriage, not the wedding, that’s most important.
If you can’t share ideas AND help each other then you need to not include each other in planning, so you can each come up with ideas independently and nothing is “stolen.” It may be harder but there will be less strain on your friendship at the end.
I do think you should help her with her workout and wedding day though because, even though she probably should have consulted you before scheduling on your birthday, it’s already done and she is still a close friend. You have birthdays every year (you can still celebrate on another day), you only get married once. If you don’t help her, you can’t expect her to be there to help you on your wedding day.
The best ways to make a wedding your own are to add signature things (like signature drinks, or including a certain monogram, pattern or design in all your decorating) and replace traditions (we are mixing music ourselves so it will have more of certain 50’s-80’s stuff and we are having an ice cream bar instead of cake, we make the first scoop!).
Sticky situation. I actually got engaged about 5 days before a friend of mine, we are/were in each other weddings as well. We both had been anticipating an engagement, but didn’t realize they’d happen so close to each other. I actually learned not to talk to her about my wedding until hers was over (mine is after hers). I went ahead and helped her do a lot for her wedding, and now that one is behind us, she has been helpful w/ mine (except now mine is basically planned). I hope you have the same type of luck, you don’t want your friendship to go sour over this situation. As far your particular questions, I think that if she’s assuming you’d do things and hasn’t asked, I think it’s ok to politely bow out on account that you have things to do and other obligations as well. Otherwise, take it as a compliment that she expects you to do her hair/makeup and programs – that means she trusts you and your taste, which is hard for a bride to do, as you should now know.
Good Luck.