20. “Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.” – Nov. 28, 2005

19. “We don’t believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans.” – Sept. 6, 2000

18. “If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I’m the dictator.” – Dec. 19, 2000

17. “Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.” – Aug. 30, 2000

16. “I think we agree, the past is over.” – May 10, 2000

15. “I understand small business growth. I was one.” – Feb. 19, 2000

14. “This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating.” – April 23, 2002

13. “I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I’m going to be the president of everybody.” – Jan. 18, 2001

12. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” – Jan. 3, 2000

11. “I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will.” – Oct. 5, 2002

10. “I just want you to know that when we talk about war, we’re really talking about peace.” – June 18, 2002

9. “I’m honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein.” – May 25, 2004

8. “I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society.” – Aug. 13, 2002

7. “There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.” – Sept. 17, 2002

6. “The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off.” – Oct. 8, 2004

5. “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” – Sept. 29, 2000

4. “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” – Aug. 5, 2004

3. “Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?” – Jan. 11, 2000

2. “I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.” – Jan. 27, 2000

1. “They misunderestimated me.” – Nov. 6, 2000

i quite like 1, 3 and 5…which ones your fav??

A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

For my 40th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a member of the high school bowling team, I decided it would be a good idea to give it a try. I called the health club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I’ll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God – with blonde hair, dancing eyes, a dazzling white smile and a deep sexy voice. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week, I am already planning to join!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill ,but I made the full mile. Bruce’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT, it’s a whole new life for me!

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it, my damn arms hurt to bad to do it the regular way. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving to the club was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot because I could not pull my leg up to brake. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds me, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me this would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to workout with the dumbbells.

When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women’s room. He sent Lana (the bitch) to find me, as punishment he put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.

Friday:
I hate the bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of mankind! Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body that could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the #!*%!*$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a twinkie. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from?)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel from the couch.

Sunday:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week from Hell is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a hysterectomy!

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

How to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.
1. ___ Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then “we can talk.”
2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ___ The cat is on Valium.
4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
7. ___ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
8. ___ “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
9. ___ You have to check your kid’s day-planner to see if he can take out the trash.
10.___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates.
How you rate:
30 – A perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29 – You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.
10-19 – You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0- 9 – Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

THREE-POINT DARES
1. Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself, 10 if you sing it through to the end).
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”
5. After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for 1 hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, all of you just shut up!”
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God as my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
9. In a colleague’s DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: “See how I look in tights.”(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, “You wanna trade?”
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
13. Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16. Hang a 2′ long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out, but don’t remove it.
17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.