How does this intro sound?
I always have ideas about things to write about in my head, and I really enjoy writing..but trying to sit down and sort it all out in a formatted way has always been difficult for me.
But does this intro sound at all interesting?
Nicole Baker had always loved plane rides. The smell of the stuffy cabin, the gentle rumblings of turbulence, and seeing shapes in clouds as the aircraft zoomed to some exciting destination or another always kept her interested.
This trip, however, was marred by the fact that for one, she was stuck next to a thin, dark haired, middle aged man who would not surprise her if he told her he was a vampire and was curled up in his seat with the window tightly shut and a blanket over his head. For another, she didn’t even want to go to the place where her and her family was headed. She would have been perfectly content if they had left her at home with her friends who were all getting ready to go on a senior road trip to southern California before everyone parted ways for college at the end of summer. Of course, she would be the only one not going with, and instead was headed to rainy Seattle for her brother’s wedding.
Nicole had no personal vendetta against weddings; it was more the issue of who was to be the bride. Truth be told, she did not like her brother’s fiancée, 25-year-old Carlie Woods, whom everyone else had deemed charming and perfect. To Nicole, she just seemed like quite a good actress.
Her brother, Garrett, and she had never really been close when he had lived at home given the almost 8-year age difference, but recently they had begun to e-mail, text, and talk on the phone and share with each other thoughts, problems, and goals. This sudden closeness had brought on an irrational feeling of protectiveness in Nicole, despite the fact that she was Garrett’s 8-year-younger little sister. Because of this urge to protect her brother, doubts of her soon to be sister-in-law had increased greatly. She did not want this wedding to even happen (not with bridezilla, in any case).
Add in the fact that her dad and his new family were going to be there along with a bunch of Carlie’s relatives whom Nicole had never met, disliked on principle, and would have to spend the next two weeks with, she briefly considered running into the cockpit and forcing the pilots to turn the plane around.
“Ma’am?”
Nicole started, coming out of her reverie. A generic blond flight attendant was leaning toward her, a piece of paper in her hand.
“I was told to give this to you…” Nicole was handed a folded piece of paper that looked like it might have been torn from a day planner.
“Thanks,” Nicole replied, curious.
The man-who-might-be-a-vampire peeked his head out from under his blanket and ordered a Bloody Mary. The flight attendant confirmed, flashed the two of them a smile that was obviously practiced and forced, and walked back down the aisle. The man turned toward the closed window, gave it a look of deepest loathing, and retreated back into the blanket.
Nicole unfolded the paper and looked at the hastily scrawled sentence, which said: How you doin’ up there, honey? Nicole stared at it for a moment, then, being very careful not to roll her eyes, turned around in her seat and looked on the other side of the small plane, six rows back. Her mother, Anne, and her stepdad, Jim, were waving furiously at her and laughing silently. Nicole tried to smile back, managed a sort of grimace, and quickly turned back around.
She wasn’t sure if her mom wanted her to actually write back or not, but either way she wasn’t going to. She crumpled the piece of paper and stuffed it into the pouch on the back of the seat in front of her.
Nicole hadn’t thought there was anyone more goofy, childish, and clumsy than her mother until she had met Jim. They were quite the match; that was for sure. Pair the two of them with her serious, grim-faced father and his new power hungry wife for two weeks, and Nicole couldn’t see any good that could come out of it. She was amazed, as she often was, that her real parents had actually stayed together for 9 years. They had divorced when Nicole was just a baby, so she had never gotten to witness what they were like together.
Sighing, Nicole plucked her iPod from her carry-on bag and leaned back in her chair. She put on the most calming music she had and closed her eyes. She could at least enjoy an hour or two of peace before the mayhem began.
Thanks for the tips 
And no…this story is not at all about vampires. It was just a silly detail about the plane ride, ha.
And her brother is supposed to already live up in Seattle..they are just going to visit for the wedding. Maybe I should make that more clear in the intro?
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Ahhh, quite refreshing. I didn’t find many grammar issues, which was absolutely great. I cannot stand reading a story where people do not capitalize or punctuate properly, so for that, I applaud you. There are a few instances where you say “Nicole” where it would have sounded better to simply say “she”. I would just read through your story out loud. It might sound weird, but it will really help you to spot errors in your own story.
Keep on writing!
The intro definitely has possibilities. =)
I would suggest a few things though;
First, when you’re mentioning why Nicole is disliking this particular plane ride, give the reason of the wedding first. It’’s more important, and probably has more importance at least at the beginning of the book. Then add on the dark-haired middle aged man who was curled up trying to sleep, and blocking Nicole’s past-time of staring out at the clouds. Don’t mention how she wouldn’t be surprised if he were a vampire. If vampires have anything to do with the story, you don’t want to mention them right off. The story is about Nicole. Nicole is not a vampire. Nicole would probably not think the man sleeping beside her in his seat was a vampire, even if she were into that sort of thing.
Leave a little mystery. If you’ve read Twilight, I’m sure you appreciated not learning Edward was a vampire until the chapter that you do find out.
Now; I’m not you, I have no idea if this man is in any way significant to the rest of the story. If he is not, then I would say the comparison between him and a vampire would be fine; so long as that thought would not be amiss in Nicole’s character and way of thinking. I for one, am very sarcastic at times, and also cynical, and would not be above making silly connections between a person and creature like that. But would Nicole?
As for the rest of it, I’d say it’s fine. Try to avoid repeated sentences, such as ‘8-year age difference’, and ‘8-year younger little sister’. We get the idea. You could change the latter to simply ‘younger sister’.
Hmm, a word on the destination and place of the wedding; I understand Seattle is an amazing place. I’ve been there; it’s awesome. Especially all the rain. But who would want to have a wedding there unless they already lived there? Who in California would want to marry there? Not many, I’m sure. Sun and beaches. Not rain and forests.
Also, Seattle is deadly close to where Stephenie Meyer has her Twilight books take place. I know it’s unfair to judge by ‘vampires’ and ‘Washington State’, but trust me on this, when I’ve talked to people about Washington and Vampires, their immediate thought is ‘Twilight!’.
Be very careful about similarities with very popular books like that. It may seem unfair, and it is, but life’s not fair.
Of course, that’s only if this story is about vampires, one way or another. If not, then have no inhibitions on placing the story line in Seattle.
In general, I’d say it sounds like you have a good idea for a story that just needs writing and some refinement.
Good luck and good writing!